the only hope

What do you do when your only hope, your only lifeline dies?

The widening distance

He has settled in now, into his new country. He has made friends, had an affair with a local girl. He no longer wants to talk to me. When he calls, it's more out of duty than out of love. Today, he told me he has asked a local tourism guy to introduce him to the female staff. He talks about marriage every single day. It will be several years before I see him again. He will be married by then. I will not be invited to the wedding.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the love of my life.

To say it hurts would be a massive understatement.

Attacking one's own Shanakht (identity) 2009

So there is a festival in Karachi put togther by a NGO called Shanakht. Karachi is a big disparity-between-rich-and-poor kind of city. Festivals are rare....so this one's a big one. It's open to the public and.....FREE. I indirectly know people who have put this festival together. And then yesterday, some PPP (local asshole politicians) decided that they did not agree with the content in one of the photographs on display....and they attacked the festival. They tore up paintings, wreaked havoc everywhere. Then, they sued the festival over the picture. So much for freedom of expression eh?

I have many problems with this story.



Problem One: These are supposedly my people. I do not feel very Pakistani at heart, but I'm told that they are me. It hurts me a lot to know that my people, or any people, would attack a fundamental right! It is indeed every human's right to practice freedom of expression. If you don't like my painting, don't look at it! But I will paint all I want. That's the way it normally goes. And then you come to Pakistan and it's all discarded. Why? How insecure are they? They will not allow art to exist because it threatens them?!?!?! I hate the fact that I belong to these people. I hate them.



Second problem: How dare they attack a festival called Shanakht. This free festival was put together for the public to celebrate its identity! At a time when morale is low and people are questioning their identity, I thought this was the perfect festival. But noooo. They attacked it! They tore apart Pakistan's identity. So not only do they control mosques, politics, army, land. They also now control Pakistan's identity. Does that not bother/scare you all? They want to bloody define you!!



Third problem: For once, just once, I wished I was in Karachi. Because I believe I can set an example for a lot of people I know. The silent, upper-middle class bitches of the system. They don't give a damn. Their identity lies in lands abroad. in BMW's and gold. in bangkok prostitutes and dubai wine. in a US education and a pretentious english accent. I wish I lived in Karachi so that I could, for once, celebrate the identity of Pakistan. The speakers at the event who worked days on end, risking their lives and families, towards something they believed in. The artists who question their identity every day, yet do not wish to leave their land. The musicians who put together anthems of patriotism, who are urging you to wake up and take control of your identity.





So I was upset. But then I found out that the organizers, those brave souls, are going to continue the event. Hallelujah! So my mind thinks everybody should show up to the event and show the attackers down. Let this be a statement of "hah! we are not afraid of your lowly ways. you can not strip us of our identity. go bully somebody else". So I encourage my Karachi friends to go to the festival to support it. But then, it goes all wrong. A friend, let's call her "8", replies. She says that it's a free public festival and lord knows how many strays will show up. And then she says that they don't want to get blown up, so they'd rather stay indoors.



THE BIG PROBLEM: Ummm...WHAT?!?!

Dear "8". Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be called a stray. In fact, people deserve respect. You have no right to define others, just as they have no right to define you. Those attackers, this is exactly what they did to you. They attacked your identity because they didn't approve of it. They tried to box your very definition into their own language. And now, you are doing that same thing to others. Just because these "strays" are unfortunate enough to not have power, or money, does not mean they are strays. They are citizens of this country. In fact, they don't even have the power to engage in the dirty tricks that make the rest of us rich. So in a way, they are better citizens of our country than we are. We must respect them.



Dogs are stray. People are not.



Also, the ka'aba is a free public venue. All people of different colors, sizes, bank balances, occupations go there and god accepts them. What makes us humans think that we can create divisions amongst ourselves based on occupation or money?!?! Who gave us that power?! Oh this infuriates me.



My best friend reminded me that even though we publicly deny it, our people created the caste system. Even though we pray Arabic verses of equality, we don't believe in it. Pakistan is a country FULL of caste/color/occupation/money/language divisions. And I hate the fact that I am supposed to belong to this absurd system.



Lastly, I can get hit by a car any day now. But that does not stop me from walking on the street. Karachiites who are afraid of getting blown up are using that as an excuse. If there was a wedding, they would go to it. If they had to go to the tailors, they would go to it. If they had work tomorrow, they would go to it. And then they tell me they will not go to this festival out of fear of getting blown up? Excuse me?!



I think they need to ask themselves: do I really believe in it? Do I support a bunch of random people selflessly working for free for an entire year to put together a festival to celebrate my identity? If your answer is yes, then you will go to the festival with no fear. You are standing up for what you believe in. It's not like you have to go wage war for what you believe. Heck, you don't even have to change the PPPs minds. All you have to do is silently make a brief appearance at the festival.



God's throwing this in your lap, as easy as can be. No ticket, no hard to get to location, no philosophical dicsussion. No prerequisite to participate. What an opportunity to do something for your miserable condition instead of waiting for outsiders to fix it for you.



Is that really too much to ask of the 18,000,000 people of Karachi?!

Certain Other Somebodies

See this picture of the CN tower? The camera is slightly tilted, so the tower looks like Pisa. My hand moved, resulting in blurry lights. It's quite the imperfect image really.
The lonely CN tower, so perfect and tall and proud and..alone. No matter how many people appreciate its perfection, nobody knows quite how to take a perfect picture. It's cursed with an existence of lonely days and even lonelier nights while its many fans frolick around in its courtyards with their certain other somebodies.

Every now and then, the love of your life goes on a rendezvous with a certain other somebody, completely oblivious to your unconditional love. You sit there smiling, heavy-hearted, not blinking lest the tears slide down your cheek. You must be happy for your love. After all, that is true love isn't it? To selflessly be happy when your love is happy. But what should one do with the jealous pain?

This tower can't help but be immersed in this world where her love switches certain other somebodies and enjoys them all. She feels hurt, and ignored for herself. And she feels happy for him. Crazy dilemmas the universe hands out to lonely perfect towers.