On War

A strange state of mind. Thats where I am these days.
I've been struggling with "identity" for the last decade....trying to figure out who I am and who I'm supposed to be. Sometimes its clear, most times its a mess. Can you blame me though? When an Afghani family weds their son to the daughter of a Turkish family, leading to the couple and their many kids to move to Pakistan where their daughter meets another Afghani-Pakistani. As this merging of cultures takes place, a confused seedling is concieved and then born and moved to be rasied in Saudi Arabia. As the seedling becomes a plant (I will not say flower, since, anybody that knows the seedling is aware that she was no flower), she is moved yet again, to take root in Canada. All this colliding and coming together of cultures over the generations is a very Canadian thing. So the seedling had no problem become "Canadian"...where she was as confused as the rest.

Fast forward to today: Pakistan is at war...with...well....with itself. There are many theories which I shall not get into....theories about how the US and Russia have a stake in this war, about how the ISI is causing this war, about how it is a proxy war, about how the taliban are the devil....so many theories. I have chosen to stay mute about this issue because no matter what I say, it is not a solution. In fact, anything I say gets added to the oodles of whining already happening around this war.
What bothers me, though, is the fact that there is a war. I am concerned about the limitless relationships suffering due to this war, the thousands who will lose a parent, the thousands who will lose a spouse. I am worried for the hundreds of thousands who will go without dinner and possibly never see a comfortable sleep ever. I am worried that one day, I will get a phone call in my sterile and fancy house in Canada, and find out that the last one that died was somebody I knew.

I dont like war.

In regards to Canada, we have not been in a serious war for a while now. We are currently holding our own in Afghanistan, but that is a peace keeping mission and not war. So to sum up, we are a peaceful nation and we are not at war. Earlier this week (the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month), we celebrated Remembrance Day. Well, not celebrated. More like we observed Remembrance Day. Feeling an extreme sense of patriotic well-being, I skipped lunch to run over the City Hall and listen to talks by the mayor and veterans. It was topped off with O Canada. Every person in the crowd raised his/her voice and sang as if it mattered. And you know what? It did matter. Being a nation not-at-war mattered to each of us. Of course we moured the 130 losses in Afghanistan, but we also mourned the ones who died in Vietnam, WW2, WW1, Vimy. We were thankful to those who died, and those who live, for maintaining this peace we live in.

Again, I dont like war.

But I faced an odd dilemma this week. As I spoke up, for the first time, about Canadian war heroes, and Pakistani war heroes, I was told to shut up. Why? Because by celebrating or observing these vacations, by showing fear and concern, I was indirectly supporting the war. I was supporting the troops.
But, I questioned: Just because I am grateful to the troops for fighting for peace doesnt mean I want them to fight.
I got the following answer: You want them to fight so you can live a peaceful life. You support war.

Ouch.

And here I am, as confused as I was generations before my conception.

My confused state of mind

I feel like the only time I ever come on here to type a post is...when I'm upset. So I will try to be neutral today. Will try to look at the situation from both sides, the happy and the not-so-happy.

October has been an interesting month. My relationships have suffered, I have been offered a job, and my family's come to terms with a decade old problem with me. I feel like I am in limbo, and unsure about where to go.

Things with A have been at the forefront. Due to female-celebrity-bestie 's disappearance, my social life has gone down to non-existant. Chilling with A is pretty much a daily thing now..to the point where we have run out of things to do/talk about and so resort to our favorite topic: cars.

I'm a little bit confused about what is going on with A and I. Okay, very confused. We have fallen into a comfortable pattern of things..a stagnant yet comfortable place. And then every now and then, he will go out and do something which will show absolutely no regard for me or any other relationship he may have. Last night's happenings were...okay not entirely his fault (D took him out)...but they were proof that it is harmful to nurture a relationship with A. Sooner or later, in his need to find himself, he will step on somebody. And if you are close enough to him, he will step on you.

So here I am. Aware of my dilemma. And aiming to improve the situation. But how. Such a big world, such a small part that I fit into. So many options out there, yet only one option that is right for me. Where do I begin looking for it? And...when I find it, how will I know its the right one?

That Judgement

Many years ago...six I think....there was a man. He met me for a few minutes...and never again. In those few minutes, he a judgement about me. A negative judgement. This judgement affected the way other people behaved towards me. This judgement changed what they thought about me. This judgement tore apart my life. Oddly enough, I never found out the exact wording of what he said...I never was told why I was treated differently now.
I decided then...that I would work as hard as I can...to be bigger and better than men like him..in every way.

I vowed that I would never let a man wrongfully judge me again.

Fast forward to today: I just found out what he had said about me. Long story short, he had warned somebody about me...the words 'psycho bitch' may have been used.

And that angers me. Yes I may be a psycho bitch (though I hope I'm really not psycho, nor a bitch). But how and why did he decide I am a psycho bitch in the two minutes he met me? In the two minutes when I did not even say anything!

I am so so angry. He tore apart my life and I am still nursing the wounds from six years ago. He did not take the time to know me. He just opened his mouth and behold...my world fell apart.

And I am hurt. So very hurt. I must have been such a psycho bitch for him to be able to deduce it within two minutes. I must have been a horrible person.

Can't help but wonder...am I still a horrible person?

Or was he wrong?

And the saddest part? I still respect him.

Of As and Fs

Interesting month it has been. A's back and things are awesome. Best friends, specially ones you grew up with, are better than a gift basket full of chocolate, porsche carerra s, matt damon, sparkly eyeshadow, pagani zonda, little black dress, diamonds and tiny waists. In other words, best friends are awesome...

Then came along mister F. I have known him for 12 years; we rode in the same school bus. And 12 years went by, we didn't stay in touch, didn't care.

And one find day, F is on facebook...the next three weeks pass by in a flurry of really long emails and pictures and jokes and swapping life stories about joy and heartbreak and visions and ambitions. And now...F is always there. Well, he's a few continents away. But he's always there for me. And he is often on my mind.

L suggests F has something up his sleeve. I don't think so. He seems like a harmless boy from my bus...and we are just really good friends. Right? Right!

On that note, F and I want to open up a studio together...because F has talent. Check this out:

It breaks my heart when a strong, independent character...one who has fought and endured all possible hardships...breaks down because of one weakness.
A girl who fights culture and patriarchy and poverty and "ugliness" and low self esteem and sexual abuse and lack of identity and religion and family and friends and parents and norms and educational barriers and glass ceilings......a girl who passes all these tests......is a strong girl. Why does God send her that one problem to kill her?

Contemplating the summer

It has been a strange summer. Close friends have become strangers, and stangers have become friends. We took this photo after dinner one evening. Me, S, her boyfriend, Y and S. We are all so different, yet we manage to have a good time together. S and boyfriend are reserved, don't share much information about their private lives. I am quite the opposite, if you listen, I will talk. But then, isn't it safer to be quiet and not open up until you feel safe? Isn't it better to not tell the world what you are up to?

As for close friends....A and I barely talk any more. I did pick him up from the airport and drop him off to train station....but I am the only one who hasn't gotten a hug from him, the only one who he hasn't chilled with. He's in Ottawa right now....at some girl's place. Yes, that does bother me. But, like I said....friends become strangers.

For now, I shall indulge in the love I feel for the strangers who became friends.

PS- the dessert we are all sharing is "Mango Coconut Sticky Rice"...a thai dessert. You MUST try!

Destination: Libya?

I haven't left this country in ten years. I have been confined to box like classrooms, laboratories, buses, trains, cars, bedrooms, offices. I desperately need a vacation.
But knowing that I will be umemployed again in one month, I dare not purchase a ticket.
In the meantime, I can plan an extraordinary vacay for when i do take one...
Thinking of Libya. Departures, and my three darlings, convinced me that a trip to Libya may be just what I need.
Coincidentially, BBC talks about Libya's upcoming tourism boom...I feel like i must beat the tourists and go there first. :S

Oh marriage, why must you take my sister away?

This lovely lady is my little sister, who is getting married in two months. I don't think it has hit her yet...she is going along in her ladidah ways. But it has started bothering me a bit..she's such a pretty little darling creature....and soon, I won't be able to follow her around the house while she eats, showers, changes, puts on her makeup....I won't be able to bounce my silliest ideas off her on a daily basis...there are so many won'ts. But I guess it does happen to all sisters....and people survive....hence I shall survive. Maybe this will be the start of a new type of relationship with her...with new secrets and rituals and gossip and laughs...who knows.
Until then, I shall be sad and happy at the same time...

Some people are just good on camera

Some people are just made for the camera. My ex-roommate Amina was amazing on camera. Haidar is also great with his constantly changing poses. Shiraz, too, is interesting as a subject.
And then there are others who, no matter how hard they try, are terrible on camera. A. is one of them. His poses are always the same, and his body is always frozen in space. My other best friend, L., is also terrible on camera. Her smile refuses to surface.
This all makes me wonder...back in the days of high art, how did painters choose their subjects? Did they look for a beautiful lady to model for Venus, or Nike? Or did they just pick their mistresses? Could a lady volunteer to be a model?
Oh how much I would love to be somebody's muse!

Spyker C8

Side 1

I worked on this brochure for the better part of two weeks. I am a crazy car fanatic, and for anybody who knows supercars, the Spyker brand is worth mentioning. I had a tough time deciding between the Spyker and the Pagani Zonda. At the end, I chose to do a promotional brochure for the Spyker, because it was understated. The Zonda, a vulgar, in you face kind of car, would speak for itself, regardless of the quality of the brochure. But the Spyker demanded a closer look. It has a history that I wanted to highlight, hence the logo on the front.

I used Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator for the logo and images, and inDesign for the layout.

Note: This is a double sided brochure, with three panels.

Side 2

Buskerfest Year One

During my first year at the Buskerfest, I was assigned (among other things) to host the kick-off party. For that purpose, I designed a colorful invite that incorporate the Buskerfest feel. The major challenge was to use all the logos on the invite, without taking away from the message. Done entirely in Illustrator.

Light up your life!

An advertisement for a lighting company, all done in Illustrator. I used the RGB color scheme (of your monitor) as the basic theme of this ad. And the word "kroma" is a pun on color.
Clearly I love color.

eGo!

This was one of my favorite projects. I researched the market for laptop accessories, and the market for labor and supplies overseas. Then I created a design document, the visuals, the logo, and finally these ads. The brand is an edgy, humorous brand, hence the advertisements. Design document not included here.

MADD: Drive Straight Golf Tournament

My job at MADD was fantastic. I was allowed to dive into many different duties which were not always part of my job description. This not only gave me experience, it also helped MADD utilize my skills. The following brochure was handed out at the MADD Golf Tournament. I was in charge of volunteer coordination, sponsorship and of course, the graphics.
The challenge: A very old computer with very little memory, limitation on graphics due to high printing costs, and a trial version of Adobe Illustator.
I tried to keep it simple, specially since there was a lot of text that had to go on there. And as usual, I stuck to the already established MADD visual feel.

Outside of brochure

Inside of brochure

Mediopolis

The project was to create a video game prototype based in an alternate reality. The following images were the "alternate reality" proposal. The design document, a very lengthy text document, explains the controls and dynamics of the game. The result: Lots of positive audience feedback.

*NOTE: Since this project was to portray an alternate reality, I used images from Second Life (the ultimate alternate reality) and incorporated my own images into that world.

The Mediopolis team in Times Square

The Mediopolis agents out and about

The Mediopolis screen shot

A Mediopolis representative at a trade show

Yours truly in Mediopolis

Calling all MADD Dashers

I put together this email invite to recruit volunteers for a run I was helping organize. In its first year, the run received incredible media and community attention, surpassed all fund-raising goals, and established MADD as one of the must-do runs in Ottawa. Needless to say, the volunteers went home happy.

Yucca Mountain Proposal

I worked on this project with a team three years ago. It was a very creative team, and the judges (professors) encouraged creativity. The result was the following diagrams.We had to come up with a solution to mark certain hazardous sites at Yucca Mountain. Our solution proposed a geodesic dome which would withstand environmental forces, and yet be visible from a large distance in all directions. We used Photoshop and Illustrator, like always.

Countdown: 30 days in Ottawa

Amina at Milestones

Cupcakes

Cupcakes are therapeutic. Baking them, photographing them, eating them, even cleaning up after them..

Growing Up

Those energy fields

This may seem a little bizarre, but I've been thinking about energy. The kind mentioned in "The Alchemist" and "The Celestine Prophecy". Lately, all my conversations with A. are flat. We talk, he tells me of his going-ons, I share my criticism, and then we hang up. It's out of obligation, not desire. I have diagnosed the problem and concluded that I am going through a void. I am unable to connect with the energy of the world, and therefore, all my connections with people are disconnections. I mentioned it to A. as well but he didn't seem to hear.
My instinct, and my energy field have always been strong, never let me down. Until now. I've always managed to talk to God (or the soul of the world, however you want to term it) and I've always gotten answers in signs. I've been breezing through life following the signs. This sense has never let me down.
And now...now I can't even connect to it. I can't talk to the soul, I can't feel my energy, and I can't read the signs. I'm floating through life with a spiritual blindfold on. And there really is no darker feeling than that. I've read the necessary books, performed the necessary religious and spiritual rituals. But nothing.
Aside from the fact that I can't feel a thing, I'm very worried about the dying connection between A and me. He's been my beacon, my guiding light. The single most important thing in my life. And I'm unable to connect to him!
I have been trying the whole nature thing. I get the most energy out of things of beauty. It hasn't worked yet. I've also tried to feel energy around other people and animals. The last time I went through such a void, I threw a year of my life away. Hoping this one's not that bad.

I've been thinking, to get out of such a deep void space, one needs a very powerful emotion. Suicide seems to be a popular option, but one that I'm not too supportive of. I decided to give love a try. If I can send out some love, give it my most passionate energetic shot, then maybe with karma's help, I'll get some sort of feeling in return. That's what the image above is about. A. took it on his last night on that island. Since then, he hasn't created anything, says he's got no inspiration. I'm going to use his own to create the greatest gift I can give a friend: encouragement to pursue what your heart desires.

the only hope

What do you do when your only hope, your only lifeline dies?

The widening distance

He has settled in now, into his new country. He has made friends, had an affair with a local girl. He no longer wants to talk to me. When he calls, it's more out of duty than out of love. Today, he told me he has asked a local tourism guy to introduce him to the female staff. He talks about marriage every single day. It will be several years before I see him again. He will be married by then. I will not be invited to the wedding.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the love of my life.

To say it hurts would be a massive understatement.

Attacking one's own Shanakht (identity) 2009

So there is a festival in Karachi put togther by a NGO called Shanakht. Karachi is a big disparity-between-rich-and-poor kind of city. Festivals are rare....so this one's a big one. It's open to the public and.....FREE. I indirectly know people who have put this festival together. And then yesterday, some PPP (local asshole politicians) decided that they did not agree with the content in one of the photographs on display....and they attacked the festival. They tore up paintings, wreaked havoc everywhere. Then, they sued the festival over the picture. So much for freedom of expression eh?

I have many problems with this story.



Problem One: These are supposedly my people. I do not feel very Pakistani at heart, but I'm told that they are me. It hurts me a lot to know that my people, or any people, would attack a fundamental right! It is indeed every human's right to practice freedom of expression. If you don't like my painting, don't look at it! But I will paint all I want. That's the way it normally goes. And then you come to Pakistan and it's all discarded. Why? How insecure are they? They will not allow art to exist because it threatens them?!?!?! I hate the fact that I belong to these people. I hate them.



Second problem: How dare they attack a festival called Shanakht. This free festival was put together for the public to celebrate its identity! At a time when morale is low and people are questioning their identity, I thought this was the perfect festival. But noooo. They attacked it! They tore apart Pakistan's identity. So not only do they control mosques, politics, army, land. They also now control Pakistan's identity. Does that not bother/scare you all? They want to bloody define you!!



Third problem: For once, just once, I wished I was in Karachi. Because I believe I can set an example for a lot of people I know. The silent, upper-middle class bitches of the system. They don't give a damn. Their identity lies in lands abroad. in BMW's and gold. in bangkok prostitutes and dubai wine. in a US education and a pretentious english accent. I wish I lived in Karachi so that I could, for once, celebrate the identity of Pakistan. The speakers at the event who worked days on end, risking their lives and families, towards something they believed in. The artists who question their identity every day, yet do not wish to leave their land. The musicians who put together anthems of patriotism, who are urging you to wake up and take control of your identity.





So I was upset. But then I found out that the organizers, those brave souls, are going to continue the event. Hallelujah! So my mind thinks everybody should show up to the event and show the attackers down. Let this be a statement of "hah! we are not afraid of your lowly ways. you can not strip us of our identity. go bully somebody else". So I encourage my Karachi friends to go to the festival to support it. But then, it goes all wrong. A friend, let's call her "8", replies. She says that it's a free public festival and lord knows how many strays will show up. And then she says that they don't want to get blown up, so they'd rather stay indoors.



THE BIG PROBLEM: Ummm...WHAT?!?!

Dear "8". Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be called a stray. In fact, people deserve respect. You have no right to define others, just as they have no right to define you. Those attackers, this is exactly what they did to you. They attacked your identity because they didn't approve of it. They tried to box your very definition into their own language. And now, you are doing that same thing to others. Just because these "strays" are unfortunate enough to not have power, or money, does not mean they are strays. They are citizens of this country. In fact, they don't even have the power to engage in the dirty tricks that make the rest of us rich. So in a way, they are better citizens of our country than we are. We must respect them.



Dogs are stray. People are not.



Also, the ka'aba is a free public venue. All people of different colors, sizes, bank balances, occupations go there and god accepts them. What makes us humans think that we can create divisions amongst ourselves based on occupation or money?!?! Who gave us that power?! Oh this infuriates me.



My best friend reminded me that even though we publicly deny it, our people created the caste system. Even though we pray Arabic verses of equality, we don't believe in it. Pakistan is a country FULL of caste/color/occupation/money/language divisions. And I hate the fact that I am supposed to belong to this absurd system.



Lastly, I can get hit by a car any day now. But that does not stop me from walking on the street. Karachiites who are afraid of getting blown up are using that as an excuse. If there was a wedding, they would go to it. If they had to go to the tailors, they would go to it. If they had work tomorrow, they would go to it. And then they tell me they will not go to this festival out of fear of getting blown up? Excuse me?!



I think they need to ask themselves: do I really believe in it? Do I support a bunch of random people selflessly working for free for an entire year to put together a festival to celebrate my identity? If your answer is yes, then you will go to the festival with no fear. You are standing up for what you believe in. It's not like you have to go wage war for what you believe. Heck, you don't even have to change the PPPs minds. All you have to do is silently make a brief appearance at the festival.



God's throwing this in your lap, as easy as can be. No ticket, no hard to get to location, no philosophical dicsussion. No prerequisite to participate. What an opportunity to do something for your miserable condition instead of waiting for outsiders to fix it for you.



Is that really too much to ask of the 18,000,000 people of Karachi?!

Certain Other Somebodies

See this picture of the CN tower? The camera is slightly tilted, so the tower looks like Pisa. My hand moved, resulting in blurry lights. It's quite the imperfect image really.
The lonely CN tower, so perfect and tall and proud and..alone. No matter how many people appreciate its perfection, nobody knows quite how to take a perfect picture. It's cursed with an existence of lonely days and even lonelier nights while its many fans frolick around in its courtyards with their certain other somebodies.

Every now and then, the love of your life goes on a rendezvous with a certain other somebody, completely oblivious to your unconditional love. You sit there smiling, heavy-hearted, not blinking lest the tears slide down your cheek. You must be happy for your love. After all, that is true love isn't it? To selflessly be happy when your love is happy. But what should one do with the jealous pain?

This tower can't help but be immersed in this world where her love switches certain other somebodies and enjoys them all. She feels hurt, and ignored for herself. And she feels happy for him. Crazy dilemmas the universe hands out to lonely perfect towers.

Identity (Hall)

My thesis is in its last stages...I am writing and rewriting every little piece. Stuart Hall and his concept of the Other and identity keep crossing into my daily life....and I can't help but feel a little bit colonial sometimes.

Maya's Flowers

February 13, 2009

A and A bought Maya flowers for her birthday.

York

February 2009: York Resumes

Parliament

January 2009: Parliament Resumes

Prince Edward Island: Lighthouse Series

Prince Edward Island: Lighthouse Series

Prince Edward Island: Lighthouse Series

Christmas Lights

Mississauga City Hall- January 2009

I don't like Christmas much. It's cold, people are miserable under the pressure of finding the right gift, and the holidays are so close to A's birthday. But the lights, bright sparkling lights that hang off leafless maple trees and city hall cornices and rain gutters on ugly brick houses...the christmas lights make christmas pretty.

Toronto Protest Against Occupation of Gaza

PEACE

Those who know me personally know that I have been very attached to the peace sign for a very long time. I usually wear one around my neck. So when I set out to protest for Palestine, I asked my best friend, A, what I should make on my sign. He didn't pause for a moment...and said...the Peace Sign.

Toronto Protest Against the Israeli Occupation of Gaza

These men are heroes to me.

There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.

Elie Wiesel

Toronto Protest Against Occupation of Gaza

In the last frame, the woman is bending down to kiss her son, a toddler who had spent the last hour holding up a protest sign during a cold alert in Toronto.